weeeego:

I think there’s something wrong with my left eye. There’s this small little bump in the top corner and it hurts -.-

Making cup cakes for Shelby’s birthday tomorrow; I haven’t baked in so long. It feels so good to have the heat from the oven whoosh across my face & fog my glasses. Tehe

Heh.. Don’t you worry. I am here.. (: just relax… Breathe..

I know what your tumblr is. Me out of anyone should know what it is for you. :p

But I am happy that you got to connect with your best friend again. Not being sarcastic at all. You know how much I wanted you to connect with him again. (: I am happy for you.

Hmmm. It’s been a while since I have been here. Well… I am loving life. Doing what I want when I want to do it. It’s peaceful. Stress free. Doing all my homework asap. No one to text during the day. No one to talk to before I sleep. No one to go on dates with or to spend time. No gifts needing to be made or bought. No extra dates needed to be remembered. No worrying about the what if’s that come with relationships. No dinners. No lunches. No nothing. Peaceful. Calm. (:

It’s seems as if I was talking about those things as chores. Sure.. Let me take some time to clarify. They weren’t chores. For most of them… As I am sure some could agree with… Are fun. (: but regardless chore or fun things to do. They were stuff. Now… With stuff eliminated… Less for me to do and plan. It truly is wonderful.

Now…. for something a little more heavy.

I don’t want to do anything else… You make it so hard to be your friend. As if you expect me to always talk first or second, it doesnt matter.. I don’t understand and don’t really care to because of this point. Just because I am not here or there, texting you, or calling you, doesn’t mean I like you more or less as a person. It really doesnt matter to me. What does matter is that we have a past. You were there for me when i needed you and vice versa.

We will have our time to talk and spend time. That being said, you work yourself up over us not texting or calling is not good for our estranged friendship, if that’s what you want to call it, AND it’s not good for you. I have perfectly grasped this idea of not texting or calling, not just with you, but with everyone. I am fine living my life happily, and also doing my school work… finally :p If that’s the case why stress? Do not worry… Relax…. You push us apart when you expect us to text and talk like how we did. Maybe in time we will. But as of now, I’ll be honest and say it’s not happening. Don’t force… Not just here but in everything you do, don’t force it. Your impatient I, and as am I. But anyone forcing things will make it worse. So relax.. And breathe. Don’t stress…

If you want our friendship to work you will take this message to heart. Last and only time I will say this.. (:

Distant distant distant… Why why why?? “/

The stress and bull in my life has risen once again and yes once again you are taking the brunt of my frustration, anger, and saddness.

Time to retract from the bull… Don’t want or need it. You say I will have to deal with it eventually. No I am not. There is no explanation needed or wanted for why things happen in the way that it does. If it comes up, I will not engage in the conversation. I don’t want to make an effort. I don’t want to try. I want to be alone for awhile. Go on a vacation for awhile. Just to disappear. Fade away. To become a ghost. “/ this is what I want.

The garage died. Everyone has their own “cup of tea”.

Everyone of us is different. We all enjoy doing different things at different times with certain people. Plain, clear, and simple. I personally don’t care to club, golf, shoot pool, swim, run, work out, or whatever else you guys do. And ok drinking and smoking in a garage for hours isn’t what you guys like to do. It’s just different. Not good or bad, just different.

I am drifting from all of you guys. Whether you guys invite or not, doesn’t bother me because I will most likely always respectfully decline due to the fact that I don’t care to do things that you guys do.

The garage will close. Or at least I want it to. If it happens it does. If not, it doesn’t. If it happens so that you guys end up here I will say hi and go on my way into the house.

Don’t get me wrong. You guys are my friends and will always be dear to me. You guys gon do, what you guys will. As will I. (: if you need something, just voice it. But as for now, I need a break from all of you. And I will retract myself in my time and ways.

Garage night is done. No invites. No one is really welcome. I’ll stay home in my garage where it all began and drink.

I hope this feeling doesn’t stay… I wish it would go away… Somethings just aren’t easy…. I wish that life once again was breezy… How things from the outside couldn’t bother me when I was with you… But now I am just oh so blue. Sad and hopeless night….

For so long…. I have never felt this way… So… Weak… Lame… Sad… I have never felt so blue. I only see negatives in my life and situations that I am involved in. I feel that I will be here for awhile and I know it’s not fair to you… I know you don’t want me to feel this way. Knowing your helpless because it’s not your battles to fight with and overcome. You say that everyone does, just that they aren’t motivated. I don’t know what will motivate me. I don’t want to do anything…. So blue. The feeling of retracting…. Not only from you but from everyone again overwhelms me. I wish I could start my life over again from day one…. “/ so many things I would do differently…

I am constantly getting letters from the bank saying that I am broke as fuck and they’re pissed that I keep going negative. I can’t seem to hold a commited relationship. My friends think I am changing and they piss me off now more than ever. I feel that school isn’t my thing. I still smoke. I have finally seen and spent time with my father for the first time in years and it’s awkward…

Life to me seems like a waste of time. Full of shit. I am not happy with much of anything….

I want to be stronger. I want to do so much things but I feel as If I have no energy to do so. I am exhausted… Physically, mentally, and emtionally. Still want to take my vacation….

Feeling really down…. I am sorry that I don’t want to be strong enough to motivate myself to be better and brighter…

Just as I will never tell you to stay home for college… I won’t ever interrupt your sleep on purpose unless it was life threatening… I am not saying Im feeling worse… When you feel pretty junk you know that there’s not much that can make you feel worse….

“when you’re at lifes lowest, you only can go up…” it’s just a matter of when… Just hope it’s soon… Because I don’t like being… Weak…

This feeling inside sucks. Everything just changed…. I am sure you feel that too…. This is sad… I am hurt… Torn… Broken…. I need to be alone…. I want to swim farther and further till I can’t go no more… So sad… I am….

Nothing was what it seemed….. You hurt me…. It’s just terrible… I am beginning to think that when you are yourself I am hurt…. Really hurt.

Just wish that I bever had this experinece or feeling escpecially with you….

I don’t know what to do anymore…. It’s both you… And me…. And it hurts… In the places I love the most…. Camp…. And my heart….

So it’s been a while since we have gotten off the phone… And I couldn’t fall asleep… So I decided to play solitare… While listening to music…. And as I was playing and listening I couldn’t help but think of us as the songs were just playing in the background… All of them were real to me… It’s was funny and convicting at the same time…

I still feel a bit uneasy about our talk tonight… I feel as if not all was said… Hmmm…. It’s ok. I like this selfless thing… I will try more and more harder to be more and more selfless in certain areas of our relationship. It’s fine just as long as you are fully happy….

Thank you for being open and honest with me… (: I hope you always can be… Things don’t bother me as much as you think they might. it’s ok… But trust me… If it got to be too much I will let you know nicely… And remember for someone to get stronger, they must be broken…. Growth doesn’t happen without pain and experience… Please don’t baby me… It won’t help me. You. Or us. (:

I hope we can spend time tomorrow… I have to tell you something that Mattchu and I talked about. That was super funny… And I always wanted to do something with you… NO NOT THAT! But something else that I always think about when I am stressed or mad or irritated…

I hope you are sleeping well and feel better!! (:

I am thinking I want to go watch the sunrise…. Wish you could go with me. But yes, you sleep in…

Yesterday was not a good day…. First things off I didn’t gets text from you so already not really on a good foot. I went to go get the mail and I found out that for some reason I owe money to some company for a credit card debit that I haven’t used since I was in Oregon. My class I could finally register for but is fucken full now because it’s late and I have to be done registering and paid for my class by friday or they get all dropped. We get into it. Oh shit….. sigh

Still want my vacation…. Want to disappear…. Want to press a huge reset button…. I am such a bad person…. I suck….

Not because of you…. Just life…. I’m just pathetic……

Wish I could do so many things….